Childhood Bullying III – Things left unsaid
When it comes to writing, if I can't keep things concise, I like to keep them entertaining. Unfortunately childhood bullying doesn't lend itself well to either of these goals, much more when it remains such a raw topic to me.
Whilst I've already dedicated two posts to the topic, I still have a few things which I either failed to mention, or felt didn't fit in with either post. With it being a few days since I powered through writing those posts, I've had some much needed distance to calm down. Hopefully it makes for an easier read.
I will note though, it's important to talk about it. Even if this serves no practical use in the real world, I still feel a need to put it out there.
In the real world, I struggle with the thought of being known or remembered. As mentioned before, being bullied is a humiliating stain on your existence, and the fact that others must remember what I became because of it... It hurts. I wish I could hide it, and to erase any knowledge of myself.
I hold a lot of shame. Every time I curled up crying, every angry outburst. Even though I had little in the way of emotional control back then, I'm still weighed down with regret.
I'm scared of contact from anyone who might have known me. I despise using my actual name, and I fear for a future where it ends up online attached to my current self. The option of changing my name via deed poll is a valid option, but I can't begin to think of a different name to go by, let alone change my name on every service I use!
This has also affected what I do online. I see so many developers and artists put out the most amazing work under their real name, and I'm shocked. There's absolutely no way I could ever attach my real name to something I put out there because of my fear of being found – and I forget that it's not normal to feel this way.
I try not to pine over what ifs, there's no better way to break a man's soul than to show him what he could've been, but it's hard not to think about. How can't you when you're that anxious about life and you feel inherently wrong about existing?
I find it hard to deal with media that brings back thoughts about bullying. I refuse to listen to songs on certain albums because it might share the name of someone who made my life hell.
And despite my love of the Back to the Future series, it's only recently that I noticed why I feel so conflicted watching it as an adult: the whole series is about standing up for yourself. It's hard to watch those films and feel okay afterwards knowing that I never did when I was younger. That I might as well remain a failure because of it.
There is one film that very briefly touches on the subject of bullying and that's The World's End (2013), the final film in Edgar Wright's Cornetto Trilogy. If you liked Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, go and watch it, don't even look it up before you do because every piece of promotional material (including the sodding poster) spoils it.
And I'm about to spoil it too.
Eddie Marsan plays the role of Peter Page, a bloke who upon returning to his hometown comes across someone who bullied him relentlessly throughout childhood. He's immediately anxious when he notices his old bully, quietly confiding in his friends about it. Much like other aspects of the film, it's sudden, it's raw, and it gets to me.
Later on in the film, as part of a cunning trick the bully confronts Peter with a smile, apologising for what he did. Peter is immediately petrified by the encounter, but doesn't remotely consider accepting the apology before taking the chance to knock the bully to the floor, letting out all of his anger with each blow to the head – and eventually he devolves into mindless screaming as he twats the bully senseless with a branch.
Honestly it's hilarious, but the tragedy is that such a reaction is far too real. I know that, if I was confronted with someone I used to know, I'd freeze as all the feelings would rush back to me. If I lashed out at them I doubt I'd come out on top, but I'm sure that I'd be little more than an incoherent screaming mess.