Jobs, Fear, and the Precipice
I handed my notice in recently.
Unlike every other blog post which begins with that sentence, everything surrounding it has been amicable and mundane; I simply want to move onto something that's more applicable to me¹. There's no juicy tale of workplace treachery to be found here, just musings on my insecurities.
For the last few years the thought of leaving has been bubbling away in my head, but each time it was about to spill over it came up against one simple obstacle: fear. I'm a bloody anxious person, and I've stayed here longer than I ought to because after everything, working here was a known – thinking about what I'd do instead quickly became overwhelming.
It's hard for me not to worry about it. The world's a big place, unforgiving, and there's no way to undo whatever choice you make. I'm that terrified of making further mistakes that I've ended up stuck in the same place for so long.
Now on the other hand comes stress, which I'm not good with.
I have a low stress tolerance and avoidance has been my strategy of choice all my life – it's the path of no resistance and by far the most comfortable option. As amazing as it is for living without stress, it's not viable for life. You get caught up in a vicious cycle as your tolerance to stress lowers with each moment of avoidance, and you quickly end up in an extreme rut where everything is mortifying.
It's nice to treat yourself to it every now and then, but when things feel overwhelming it's easy to let it take control of you.
Both of these issues mean that when push comes to shove... Well, I don't bother pushing. If things are too much I just walk away, ignore them, and do what I can to never think of them again.
Cut back to me, my final day approaching rapidly. For the last year my need to do something better for myself has been stronger than my fears and external events have only solidified that I ought to do something else.
Now I don't have another job lined up². To be brief I'm not skilled enough to get a great job, I ought to learn something so I have a chance of a decent life. And there's only one thing which has ever interested me career-wise: working with computers. My biggest regret in life was not pursuing Computer Science at college, but at least I can rectify that now and hopefully find a decent gig with the following plan:
- Get IT Certs + training
- ???
- Profit
It's a vague plan, sure, but it's the only one I can think of.
Can I do that? Stick the landing and set myself a decent career that I care for? Sure. There's a lot of things I've learned from osmosis from my closest friends and having an interest in the subject will make it easier. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a chunk of my mind screaming at me to give up and lie in bed for the rest of my life.
I'm asking myself to take a step into the unknown, and to persevere with it no matter how much it worries me and stresses me out. And as excited as I pretend I am some days, deep down I'm scared.
My chest is getting tighter with each word so I'll end it here. When that final day comes around, I think I'll treat myself to a brief sabbatical – a few days to clear my head and relax before I take the next step forward.
Wish me luck.
¹ I would say move on to something better, but I hate how it implies the place is terrible.⭎
² I've never understood how can juggle training, certs, and getting a new job while currently working. The act of being at work for most of the day takes it out of me and the second I get home my brain shuts down into comfort mode.⭎