Still yearning for perpetual August

I haven’t been feeling it for the last few weeks. An inability to dedicate myself to anything, a lack of care for the things in my life, and a general malaise about being me. A month into autumn and only now do I recognise and remember this pervasive feeling as depression.

Carrying on from last time, summer was hellish. It was the hottest on record with each month having its own heatwave. August itself was far hotter than the blissful heaven I remember it as, but still I miss it. Like usual it came and went without me really appreciating it, yet I still miss it.

It’s a drab grey October day. Beats having a heatwave.

As much as I want to appreciate the calmer weather and cooler nights, depression returns and aches its way into my bones. Regardless of whether it’s still there during summer or not, it comes back stronger with the darker days. And there’s only so much a Vitamin D tablet can do.

I used to love autumn, and despite everything it’s still my favourite season. Winter’s too cold, spring kills me with hay fever, and I roast in the summer. Autumn is a gentle season. It does nothing wrong in itself, it just happens to bring forward the worst in me.

I walked through a bunch of dried leaves the other day, it made me realise that something was wrong. Something about how I’ve never noticed or cared for the sound of leaves crunching underfoot since I was a kid. How I used to love Autumn, the coolness of it, the festivities, the long nights.

The autumn I used to enjoy is far away from me now, much like the idyllic August I’d happily spend the rest of my life in. There’s a good chance neither of them existed, but there’s certainly no chance of them returning.

I don’t really know what I want to say. I lost track of where I wanted to go with this, but ultimately it sucks when you feel depression reigning in.

Last year I played Disco Elysium. I can’t do the game justice, but it’s perfect. Wrapped up in a dysfunctional detective story is a treaty on what it’s like to be human. Imperfect.

Of all the things that stuck with me, it’s a single track used in the game: Tiger King, by Sea Power. It pops up during key moments; notably the opening of the game, where the main character begs his inner brain mechanisms not to wake him up:

Mother, help me, there’s a head attached to my neck and I’m *in* it.

It’s song I’ve listened to most this year, regardless of where I am or what I’ve been doing. It’s for the bad days, it’s for the cafe days drinking hot chocolate under a beaming sun.

The track is beautiful. It’s haunting. Melancholic. Violins and cellos croon out in waves, leaving yourself floating between each note. It’s the sound of depression, and of all things it makes me wish I could cry for it.